Selfish

I'm way too selfish for this to work. I don't want to share. I don't even want to acknowlege the fact that those feelings might (and do) exist on her end. I want to just close my eyes and delude myself, like every other time.

But I know that's wrong. I know that's the last thing we need. Because they are there, and that's all that it will ever be -- a delusion.

I know what it's like to wait for someone. I learned early. And getting what you've been waiting so long for doesn't necesarily mean that when you get it you will be happy with it. But because you had waited so long for it, you convince yourself that it really is what you want. Thank you, Aleiha, for that. But nobody can tell you any differently while you are waiting, because it has been programmed into you by movies and bedtime stories and fairy tales that good things come to those who wait, and the guy waiting on the girl always gets her by the end of the movie, and they live happily ever after on a bed of roses. And we all think we're the guy in that movie, waiting there with the purest intentions to rescue this damsel who can't tell her own ass from her cockhead boyfriend who isn't any good for her.

Fuck that. She's a smart girl, and she can make her own fucking choices. She has every right to date/marry/fuck whatever guy she wants to, and what right do we have to say anything about it? We delude ourselves into thinking that being her boyfriend gives us some say over her actions, we think that we own her. Why else would we feel jealous when she talks/flirts/fucks other guys? Because we think we own her. But we don't.

Poly is not the answer. I think I see that, now. Sorry E, don't think it's for me. Why? Because I'm just as guilty as every other guy on the planet -- I want her to be mine. It's that simple. I like feeling in control, and feeling like I have nothing to worry about because she loves me and only me. But I realize that's just an illusion. One I willing buy into for the sake of my own ignorance, because then I don't have to spend every minute trying to stifle my own rising bile, every time I hear his name mentioned or see his fucking picture. Is this what hate feels like? Irrational, purely emotional hatred? Is this the sort of feeling that drives human beings to coldly murder their fellow man, and never feel a twinge of conscience driven remorse? No. I'm better than this. I know I'm better than this.

I know she loves me. Why can't that be enough for me to forget this?