ache

I don't think I've ever wanted to kiss anyone so badly. I had to just hold her, and think to myself "Just hold her a little longer -- just until this ridiculous urge passes." It hasn't yet. And there is that lump in the back of my throat, that even though it has only recently developed, it doesn't seem to go away. I've never had to deal with something this strong before. I've never loved somebody so much that I not only have the ability to let her go, but a complete lack of bitterness in doing so. Instead, I can only see what we could be together, and that not so little piece of me that leaves, every time she walks away.

Its like the conversation never happened. But then again, its not like we said anything new.

"I love you."
"I'm scared."
"Me too."
"Only time can tell."

Even crying doesn't make the loneliness go away.

She was telling me last week, that recent developments may hake it impossible for her to have children. And suddenly I had this vision, of her all grown up, five, maybe ten years from now, happily married to some guy. They're getting started with their careers, they've had themselves to themselves for a few years, soon the subject of starting a family comes up. She wants to adopt, for the obvious reasons of course, but even before she found out she can't physically bear children, she has thought she wants to adopt anyway. Her heart is just that big. There are children in this world who need nothing more than the love of a wonderful mother, as I know she will be. Guy X does not want to adopt. He wants children of his own. He learns the truth, and marries his secretary, who can bear his children. A piece of her dies. This vision is so overpowering, that I literally have to fight for control of my own breathing. I would do anything to keep her from ever having to experience that pain.

And I realize, I've never loved anyone like this.

And it hurts so much that I can't be whatever it is that she thinks she wants.