the colors came back today

How does she manage to do it? Somehow, and some way, she always knows exactly what I need to hear to get me to stay. And as much as I want it...I can't help but call myself stupid. This makes the fifth time. Granted, the fifth time in a year and a half, but its still the fifth time. What am I doing?!

I don't know. All I know is I'm miserable without her and somehow just more...complete when she's around. I'm in love with her, I guess is the long and short of it.

sigh

So after seeing me actively pursuing some female other than herself, the little pangs off jealousy begin shooting through that heart of hers, and she decides she doesn't want to lose me after all. She wants me, she wants a commitment, and she wants to let herself be with me, instead of looking for any excuse not to. Which is what I wanted. And I'm such a sucker.

Don't you dare put me through this again unless you mean it.

All angst aside, isn't this what I wanted? Isn't this what I've dreamed about since I met her. Isn't this the girl I've been considering spending the rest of my life with? Yeah. She is. She's everything. But I wonder if that isn't just because she's familiar. I wonder if that isn't just because she's comfortable. I wonder if that isn't just because I haven't found anyone better. But then isn't that kind of the point of college romance? Finding someone better?

But if we could just be what I know we could be, I can't even begin to imagine something better. How much of this is temporary, like it always is at first? How much of this is just going to fade away into the same old shit again? Hesitation, apprehension, and doubt are the three things that sabotage a relationship before it ever really begins. I don't want to become a victim to that. When I do something, especially something like this, I commit to it, mind, body, heart and soul. I don't have room for all these what ifs. I don't want them, I don't need them. The only thing they are going to do is hurt later, because they are always there, just below the surface, festering. Unless they turn out to be right, in which case, they serve to numb the blow. But I'm tired of feeling numb. Give me bliss, give me love, give me pain, give me heartache, give me anything but nothing. I'm so tired of feeling empty and alone and numb.

And I don't, when I'm with you. Usually. Sometimes, you just dissappear, and the way you look at me like...I don't even know what its like. With emptiness in those beautiful eyes of yours, as if you're just...not interested. That look that I've only recently learned to recognize and to place, that's the look that hurts worse than any words you could say, worse than anything you could do. Just an empty, feelingless void. I think I would rather die than have those eyes looking at me, so unfeelingly again.

But its only when we are together. Never happens when we are "friends". Funny, I thought we swore we'd be "friends" no matter what else happens...